Losing Motivation

It happens all the time and it is so easy to do. We keep going and going and the progress feels amazing.

But then a stall happens. We are doing so good but something comes along and someone tells us we have to work harder, our best isn't enough anymore.

I sit down, take a deep breath; it seems easier to quit.

I lean back in my chair and look around. I look where I have come from.

I lost forty pounds, I improved my grades, I got my mental health back on track. I gained so much, if I quit now, what happens?

Do I go back to the start? Do I stay where I am? Will nothing change on its own?

I've spent a long time reflecting on my year.

Last January I decided to work on myself. I was unhappy and stressed every day. My anxiety felt like a constant weight on my shoulders and the OCD was unbearable to my daily life. I made an appointment and went to get help. I started on medication and my life has changed so much that I feel like a new person.

Last June I started working on my physical health. I hold no illusion that I will ever meet society's standard of beauty, but I want to be healthy.

I cut out all the junk. I shopped for only the fresh food, nothing out of a box or a bag. I drank so much water I thought I would drown and I denied myself sweets.

It started to work, the weight started coming off, I stopped feeling bloated. I stopped craving sugar and I lost forty pounds.

I started law school in August, and not to brag but I got a pass for the intro law class (insert laughing crying emoji face here)

I went through the fall term feeling pretty damned confident. Had I finally found my place in life? The place I was supposed to end up?

Grades came back and while I knew I could do better, it felt like a setback.

I put my head down and got to work.

That brings us to now.

I'm struggling. My mental health has taken a turn for the worse. I spend most of my day with constant anxiety on the verge of a panic attack.

My weight stopped going down, the cravings came back, and ten pounds found their way back.

I got my new grades back and they were so much better, but when I took a second look I realized that in order to stay this would have to be my best term yet.

I'm sitting in my chair. I'm tired. I want the anxiety to stop. I want to eat a whole pizza and chocolate cake by myself. I want to make a wish on a star and get the grades I need.

I'm losing motivation.

I will get off my chair soon.

I will go back to my doctor for help with my anxiety.

I will have only one piece of pizza and only have the cake if I am truly hungry. I will go to the gym and drink all the water.

I will study each night and on my breaks in the day. I will get help each week and practice every day. I will work on my writing and my research too.

If I quit now I will not have gained anything. If I quit now I will have to live with my shame.

I will keep going, I just need a minute.

I'm losing motivation, but I'll get it back soon.

I'm losing motivation, but it hasn't all gone.

I'm losing motivation, but I won't give up!